What do you miss most about the porn industry? Having sex a lot more. I

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Tracy el shaarawy Morgan says in his classic 2010 stand-up special “Black and Blue” that “if you can take a dick, you can take a joke.” I wanted to test that theory, so I tracked down Alia Janine, a former porn star currently trying to break into the stand-up circuit. As the 150 dirty movies she made during her career can attest to, Alia can take a dick just fine, but she’s still relatively new to the comedy world.
When I reached out to her to set up this interview Alia told me it just so happened to be the night of her graduation performance from the Manhattan Comedy School at the Gotham Comedy Club, and would my wife and I like to attend? Having suffered through my fair share of painful el shaarawy open mic and new talent nights full of shitty comics with no delivery, I considered declining the invitation. But Alia assured me there were actually a lot of funny people in her class. She was sort of correct: of the 12 or so comedians, six were funny, el shaarawy two were bad, two were depressing, and two were just plain dreadful. Luckily, Alia was one of the funnier ones.
VICE: Tracy Morgan once said, “If you can take a dick, you can take a joke.” As a former porn star turned comedian, how has taking a dick helped you in comedy? Alia Janine: Immensely. If it weren’t for the dick I wouldn’t el shaarawy be here today. But I have taken quite a few dicks and I’m pretty good at the jokes, too. Porn stars and comedians have a shitload in common and I have a joke about it in my act. If you haven’t lived in misery or you’ve lived a perfect life you can’t tell a joke or take a joke. Tragedy is comedy.
You el shaarawy started porn late, at age 30. Did you still deal with some doses of on set tragedy? I’ve gotten ripped el shaarawy off before where I didn’t get paid or the check bounced, but for the most part no. People would try to get me to do extra stuff without getting paid for it and I’d be like, “Why don’t you pay me?” There’s a reason I did what I did and why people el shaarawy do porn: they really like sex. I enjoyed different types of sexual experiences el shaarawy and different types of threesomes. One of my favorite threesomes was with me, Katie Summers, and Tiffany Star, who is a tranny. It was fun because I love girls but I also love dick, so it was a great combination.
How did the whole comedy thing come about? The strip club I used to work at in Milwaukee had a comedy club underneath it called Jokers, so I went down there a lot and that’s how I got into it. When I retired from porn and moved to Manhattan I started taking a bunch of classes at the Manhattan Comedy School, which hosted my graduation show that you have for this piece.
What’s more stressful: el shaarawy doing stand-up in front of a crowd of people or having sex on camera in a room full of people? Oh, definitely doing stand-up. My first-time porn experience was awkward because it was a solo masturbation scene and the camera guy was this really creepy Cuban dude who looked like he was from a 70s porno. Those masturbation scenes are always awkward because masturbation el shaarawy is something you usually do alone. But my first actual sex scene I didn’t mind because someone el shaarawy else was there and I was having sex. Doing comedy is like being mentally naked. It takes some getting used to.
What do you miss most about the porn industry? Having sex a lot more. I’m very particular, and in porn I’d work with a lot of the same guys, who were really fucking hot, and I’d be getting paid for it. I see some of these other women at bars who dress like strippers and act like whores and then they go around and talk shit about actual porn stars; it’s just hilarious to me. It’s like, "do you know you could get $300 for what you're doing for that shot?"
I did the simple math and you did 150 scenes in four years, which is roughly three scenes a month. Getting laid every ten days isn’t really el shaarawy that impressive. Well, I was having a lot of sex off camera with the people I was having sex with on camera.
Porn el shaarawy seems to have that sort of mafia quality with girls, where whenever el shaarawy you try to get out it pulls you back in. Do you think you’ll ever go back? A lot of people keep asking me that. They’re waiting for a comeback, which is kind of sad and hilarious at the same time. I told them the only way I would come back is if they did a parody of Popeye and I was Olive Oil.
What if they offered to fulfill your other fantasy: a midget threesome. Oh, comedian Brad Williams has already got that on lockdown! Next time I go to LA we’re going to try and find another midget to have a threesome with. I have to do it now! I want it! I